april is the cruelest month, you say? last summer i wrote an essay about how my cat might be the devil,1 but really it was a promise to myself to just *write through it* and tbh, academia broke my brain. i mean, obviously it broke my brain; it also killed my capacity to write (and read) for fun. everything needs a thesis, and terms like ‘therefore’ but im so much more than that, and arguably my most interesting thoughts arent of the argumentative type. as my ex-boyfriend used to say. anyway. this is going to be something closer to lexical vomit (potential band name if anybody needs one) than something with a point. i think the secret is treating my otherwise trivial experiences as special and significant so they can be plumbed for content. sweet, sweet content.
mother, should i follow maynard james keenan? last weekend i went and saw primus/puscifer/a perfect circle in concert with my closest friends from high school. we ran into someone from “the old days” at the entrance to the venue and when i said ‘hey it’s liz’ he replied, ‘oh, i remember you’ in this tone like one would remember an arch nemesis COLOR ME INTRIGUED p sure my girlfriend and i killed the man behind us in the merch line as he witnessed me realize (in real time) that maynard was the singer for both Tool and A Perfect Circle, but not Nine Inch Nails. i then asked my friend, ‘so that’s trent reznor right?’ to which she replied ‘i think he’s from blink 182’ you couldnt write a better bit!! i gotta say: it had been at least 15 years since we all hung out, and i had so much fun. it’s funny how ‘regressing’ can be a form of progress. fuck linearity!
more to the point. i fell in love with maynard james keenan at this show (or maybe it was the shrooms, hard to tell sometimes). if i wasnt already financially betrothed to bob dylan, id be following this weirdo around. i have a dylan friend, and former deadhead, who recently described how he went and saw a new band and left with the sense “oh fuck, now im going to spend a bunch of money to follow them around” and for some of us, thems the breaks. ive been telling my friends and family for a few years now that the whole following Dylan around feels more like a duty than a choice. plus, my pathologies are the most authentic part of me.
ive also realized that while i am a decent scholar, and a decent dylan fan, i am an abysmal dylan scholar, at best. like i dont really know much about him, lol, or his albums; in terms of lore im no better than the causal fan. sure, ive seen him more than 100 times and i know not to expect “the hits” but i have no idea who sat in on the Oh Mercy sessions. at an earlier stage of my fandom i consumed more “historical” material, the albums and what not, then there was a stage where i listened to a shitton of bootlegs. but now, i go to as many shows as possible, listen to my favorite songs as featured on my themed playlists, and occasionally jam out to a show that i also attended, but that’s it. hey, i might be unique on that one!
how can i make this taylor swift album about me? one year ago this week i went to japan to attend a couple of dylan shows (naturally). i had originally planned to stay for just the weekend, which in retrospect is fucking absurd. i ended up spending a week and a half there. and like any warm-blooded white millennial gal, i am obsessed with Sofia Coppola’s 2003 film Lost in Translation. so, obviously i brought a pink wig with me. and just as Saint Coppola predicted, i fell in love with an older man over the span of three days. this has irrevocably modified my emotional landscape.2 that being said, he is a major Swiftie, and told me he’s “big on dates”, and april 19th is the one-year anniversary of meeting him. heh.
unsurprisingly, im obsessed with ttpd.3 it’s been a while since ive had an album that felt like it was made for me, and i cant help but find the synchronicity meaningful. im sure my serotonin receptors were firing at maximum capacity during that first listen. current favs: loml, ttpd, fortnight, the bolter. if she starts playing songs from this album live i might end up following her around. watch this space.
i just dont know what im supposed to be, you know? im working on a little piece that illustrates the closet thing i have to a ‘philosophy of life’. it’s inspired by my living what i take to be, at least, two different lives - my life as an academic (meh), and my life as a Dylanhead/bobcat/deadhead born too late (yay). basically, i think the secret to the good life is the good lives.
until then, ill be slogging through this new south park game. it sucks huh?
she’s still evil ofc but she doesnt bite me as much
my therapist said it was a trauma response, but what does she know? as i keep telling her: psychology is an empirical domain.
full disclosure i didnt listen to swift at all prior to meeting [redacted].